Amen

“I believe that God exhibits both perfect judgement and perfect mercy.”

As do I. There is nothing in what I wrote that suggests otherwise. What I do not believe is that it is possible to arrive at a judgement toward a single thing which determines both mercy and punishment.

When someone goes to court, excepting cases where there is no judgement (eg. mis-trial) a case is either decided in favour or against them. To make that determination is the sole purpose of the court. Using that analogy, mercy would be not guilty and punishment would be guilty.

I do not agree that the two are not compatible, as I believe that God exhibits both perfect judgement and perfect mercy. Nevertheless I sincerely applaud you for stating your view so plainly. I think one of the more painful miscommunications I’ve had was excaberated by the other party’s unwillingness to state this belief.

I appreciate the opportunity to read a clear and respectable account of your view on the matter.

Arlan

Children can feel remorse without having it beat into them. People give too little credit to the Holy Spirit.

He’s right – he doesn’t break any of the rules I would have if I had ever thought to have any rules.

But, I have two more coming along, so I’m not declaring any “guarantees” (if you do xyz, your kids will never cause you any trouble).

Still, oldest son is at least “anecdotal evidence” that you don’t have to spank or use authoritarian, punishment-oriented parenting in order to have a kid you can be proud of.

We chose the tough middle road of “loving guidance,” neither permissive nor authoritarian. One of the things I have been happiest about is that my kids are not blindly obedient to authority, but work hard to see the ethical and moral choices they’re presented with.

With regard to Gem’s “what if”, well we don’t really have a curfew because the kids tell us where they are going, who with and when they will be back, even before they have permission to go.

It wouldn’t occur to Addison, for example, to not tell us where he was going because that would foremost be inconsiderate to the people he lives with. When they are going to be late, they know we expect them to call. It only took one time to be met with a locked door and upset, worried parents for that to stick.

For someone as young as Emma (5), the last “wrong” thing I can remember her doing is writing on one of the doors. I discovered an “E” in blue marker on the white door between the kitchen and foyer. I asked her nicely why it was there. She explained her rationale for doing it (to let people know where she was) and I asked her if we were supposed to write on doors and walls. She said no. I then asked her what did she think we should do now and she said “clean it up and not do it again”. She also pointed out a spot I had missed on a nearby cabinet. We cleaned it up together and talked about an alternative to what she wanted to do. If she wanted to tell people where she was, she could make a sign and tape it to the door instead.

In case you think this was overly permissive and she missed punishment, she did learn that by writing on the door, she had to stop what she was doing and clean up a mess she made. It also inconvenienced another person and was disrespectful to the house and the other people in it. We also talked about this as we cleaned. When we were done, she turned to me and said, “I’m sorry mommy,” and we hugged.

This was only the second time she has written on the walls, doors or furniture, and the first was more than a year ago. I don’t expect it to happen again.

Look at it this way: if someone tries to talk your kid into shoplifting, do you want him to say:

“No, my mom will be mad if she finds out and then I’ll get into trouble.”

or

“No, stealing is wrong.”

Of course, both answers have the same immediate result, which is that your child is not going to shoplift, so in that sense they are both good answers. But the former implies that the main reason he is not going to shoplift is because of fear of punishment/reprisal/anger. The latter is a statement that the child understands that the action is wrong.

You can send the child who makes the second statement out into the world with the reasonable expectation that he has a good moral code that will serve him well. Can you say that about the child who makes the first statement?