When Andrea & I were out yesterday, we went to dinner to celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary (which is today). The place we wanted to go was the place we had dinner 20 years ago on V Day. Then it was a Chinese restaurant and now it’s a pub. We opted to go to another Chinese restaurant instead.

It was during the dinner 20 years ago that Andrea and I first discussed how we felt about marriage. In remembering 20 years ago, I realized that my feelings on the subject of what marriage is (and is not) about have changed very little from what they were then. Having paid some attention to society at large, it’s safe to say that my feelings are not universal.

There are two things that our society places a great deal of emphasis on that I feel are largely inconsequential to marriage:

• a state registered marriage (marriage certificate) – depending on the jurisdiction, there may be value in one of these to the couple such as enabling adoption. Also, property ownership may automatically be transfered in the event of death of one half of the couple. In other words, signing a marriage certificate has value in the legal and judicial system. I don’t have any objection to state marriages. That’s not my point. My point is that once it’s signed, the only place a marriage certificate has any material value is in the legal & judicial system. It does not contribute to the day to day work of being a couple.
• a wedding ceremony – In saying that I am not knocking weddings. If a couple want to have a wedding and celebrate their marriage with their family & friends then that’s fantastic. But wedding ceremonies don’t make marriages. Marriage is something you do and are a part of every day. It isn’t a one time thing.

I’ve been to quite a few wedding over the years and have heard alot of variations in vows. What seems to be common among them are 3 words or actions: love, honor & cherish. The vows are about committing to doing those things on an ongoing basis. Doing those on an ongoing basis *is* what I believe is important in marriage. So, I’d like to talk about them in reverse order

• Cherish – IMO, most marriages start with this and the fact that the couple cherishes one another is the reason they have decided to get married. I look at cherishing as valuing them as a person, wanting their companionship, liking their character & personality, etc. The thing is, that the divorce rate in our society show that cherishing your spouse is in itself insufficient in creating a lasting marriage.
• Honor – I’m not quite sure what other people take this to mean. I think it means having respect for Andrea’s role as my wife and it is my responsibility to uphold her. The way I carry this out is by doing 2 things. First, I try to be a good husband, to appreciate the things she does for me, to value her opinion, and to be reasonable, caring, campassionate, thoughtful and considerate toward her. Second, I try to treat Andrea like she has been and will continue to be a good wife both when I’m around her and when I’m away from her. An example from the other side of marriage, if I have a bone to pick with I don’t deal with it at the local bar over a drink or at a buddy’s house. I talk to her about it and we work something out (which good spouses will do). I’ve never complained about her to anyone. Doing so would dishonor her. If she has a bone to pick with me, I want her to tell me about it and I want to work out something that is acceptable to both of us.
• Love – As an adult, I’ve always taken this to mean charity in the Biblical sense: being longsuffering (enduring, patient and forgiving) & kind, thinking of others, having temperance and not being selfish or self-serving. In more practical terms it means putting the other person first.

Whether or not everyone sees marriage as I’ve described, every marriage that I have admired over the years has a good dose of those qualities.